'My Boyfriend's Daughter Hates Me and He Won't Intervene'

Reader Not Evil Stepmom writes,

Is it too much to ask for a little respect? Respect is earned but I have done everything in my power to ensure that I do not become the evil stepmom. I try to be her friend, buy her things that she wants, let her do things she is interested in like play with my makeup...

She is a dream 6-year-old girl to others. Polite, slightly shy, quiet and respectful for babysitters or sleep overs. But when she's at home with us it's like little Satan lets loose and nothing is right up to her standards. She has a special way of putting dad way up on a pedestal. The way it should be. But that's easy for him.

She only visits every second weekend so it's all fun and games. There's no structure. No bed time. No reminders of manners. No true repercussions for bad or negative behavior. Recently, he's trying but it's all talk, and excuses. "She's only 6, she gets it from her older half brother, she's just playing around, you're taking it too seriously."

I usually reserve one day a weekend to come spend with them. We try to plan a fun outing during the day and dinner at his mom's in the evening. The second I walk through the door I greet her. She's not a very huggy kid so I give her a standard "Hi _______ , how are you?" And not long after she will make remarks that make me want to go bury myself. It simply does not make me feel very welcome.

I truly believe that her dad and I will be together for a long time. We're talking about buying a house next year but right now he's renting and I live elsewhere. She does not have her own space when she's here. We (I) can't get away from each other if we (I) tried. Her bed is placed right beside ours. She has her side of the room and we have ours... But she gets mad when I come over because he lets her sleep with him when I'm not here.

It's like I can't do anything right. I want to be there for her and love her as much as she'll allow me. We make a point to spend lots of time with my niece who is her age because they say they are best friends and get along so well! I want her to feel like she is a part of my family and we are building our own little family together, but slowly. But that is hard when she is so resentful towards me, for what feels like simply taking some of her dad's attention away from her for even a short period of time.

It's as if she's not in the spotlight anymore so she makes me feel like crap. I don't know how much more of this behavior I can handle. It's putting a lot of pressure on our relationship. Every other child I have ever been around has been very polite and well mannered and this is just becoming too much. Is there anything you can suggest to help me get through this?

 

Dear NES,

This is a tough spot.  Since you guys aren't married yet, you don't even really get the title "stepmom" in this little girl's mind. She is hoping against hope that you will be out of the picture soon and she can get her dad back. But this isn't because she's a demon. She is a little girl whose family broke up, and she is feeling insecure and off balance. This is probably why her dad is so protective of her and makes excuses for her. She is in a very tough spot, just like you, but worse since she's little and has no control over her own life.

As I discuss with other blended family situations, the biological parent is the one who needs to take responsibility for helping this situation improve.  Your partner is not on board with your desire to make his daughter behave differently.  He may tell you that he will address her behavior when he's alone with you, but actions speak louder than words, and he does not feel that anything needs addressing, or he feels too guilty to address any negative behavior that he does see.

I believe that this entire situation can be understood better if you examine the sleeping arrangements here.  Your partner is obviously not showing his daughter that you and he have an adult, special relationship.  Whether he "should" want to show her this isn't the issue.  The issue is that, right now, he prioritizes making his daughter feel secure, in the best way that he knows how, over your feelings.

I do not think this is a "start as you mean to go on" type of situation, and for you to expect the dad to act as he would if she were 12 and you guys were already married is not reasonable.  This child is very young. You are not her father's official "wife" and for all she knows, you have no private life at all with him, since she doesn't see any.  She views you as someone that stops her from getting her father's love (and cuddling with him in his bed) on random weekend days.

This kid's life is really confusing.  She is shuttled between parents and she is never anyone's top priority.  Thinking that she is being self-centered or a spotlight hog is not going to help anything.  She is a kid that wants to be sure of her parents' love, and you are viewed with suspicion and fear, as something that could further mess up her tenuous situation.

If you would like some tips on how to be a good stepmom, here is a list written by a reader, and here's basically what never to do.  Overall, be nice and kind, don't let her observe you being passive aggressive (e.g., rolling your eyes or sighing when dad allows her a fourth chocolate milk), never try to replace her mom, don't scold her (if you don't have a strong relationship with a kid already, this will never go well), and try to win her over with special you and her time (if she wants any) and letting her win at boring board games and stuff.  But this stuff probably won't count for much if she is still considering you temporary, which she likely does since you're not her dad's wife and don't even live with him.  (Also, her mom may not speak well of you; of course, I have no idea if this is the case, but it's common in these situations.)

I suggest that you seek counseling for yourself and decide if this situation, as it currently is, is tenable for you.  If it's not, then you need to decide whether to stay or go.  It is also possible that you were drawn to and remained in this situation because of deep seated issues where you have always felt like second best.  This is what imago theory would suggest.  I do not think the daughter's behavior is the issue, though.  I believe that the real issue is that your partner got seriously involved with someone (you) before he was fully ready to incorporate a new person into his daughter's life.  He appears ambivalent about fully committing to your relationship if it will in any way negatively impact his daughter.  He likely feels guilty over the divorce and over his daughter's more difficult life post-divorce. Many would believe that this makes him a great dad; sadly, it's making him a less-than-great partner.

To summarize: don't blame the daughter, try and empathize with her fragility and insecurity, even if it comes out as rudeness, and only stay with your partner if you can accept that his daughter will come first and that he is unlikely to set boundaries with her in the near future.

Good luck, and keep me updated.  Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, From Her Perspective, You're There For About Half The Time She Gets With Her Dad, It's Not "A Short Period" To Her.

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.

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