Four Ways To Find Love After Divorce

Valentine's Day - also known as Saint Valentine's Day - began as a liturgical celebration. It has since morphed into an almost worldwide celebration of love. What should divorcees do to increase their chances of finding love again? As a mediator, who deals primarily with divorce and family conflict, I have a few suggestions on how to find love after divorce.

1. Forgive yourself (and your ex)

Many of my clients harbor an enormous amount of guilt for their "failed" marriage. Let go of guilt. William Pinsof (president of the Family Institute at Northwestern University) reported in The Death of "Till Death Do Us Part: The Transformation of Pair-Bonding in the 20th Century, that, "for the first time in the human history, divorce has replaced death as the most common endpoint of marriage. This unprecedented shift in patterns of human coupling and uncoupling requires a new paradigm, that is, a more humane approach for social policy, family law and marital therapy." (Remember Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin consciously uncoupling). By seeking a more humane approach to navigating your divorce and post-divorce life, it's easier to forgive yourself and your ex.

2. Love yourself (and your ex)

Strive for Agape, the unconditional love despite flaws and demonstrated by your behavior towards another person. Love yourself and your ex for what you once had - the good and the bad. When conflict arises, take the high road. If you divorce with dignity, it's much easier to love yourself throughout the process.

3. Embrace yourself

Embrace the opportunity to reinvent yourself and your love life. I encourage my clients to leave their history in the past where it belongs. It best to use the past to help craft a better future. Be present and choose behaviors today that will positively impact your tomorrows. Separate the person from the problem. Recognize that we are all innately good and prone to make bad choices. Recognize and capitalize on the good choices you make while realizing and mitigating the bad choices you make.

4. Refresh yourself

You can rewrite the rules and start your next relationship in a new role. Try to right all the wrongs from your last marriage and set new priorities, if possible. Divorce is a catalyst for change. Make the most of the divorce (along with the new challenges, landscape, and lifestyle) to reinvent a healthier you. Give the new you permission to be in love in new ways. After divorce anything is possible. In life, like golf, the game is better with a mulligan (or two)!

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