Single Living After Divorce: Don't Buy Clothes With Zippers

Shortly after my divorce, some friends decided I needed to get out and have some fun. I was teetering on the edge of becoming a shut-in, so I reluctantly agreed. In an effort to pamper myself, I decided to buy a dress. It was super cute and didn't make me look fat (according to my full length mirror placed at the perfect angle; don't you dare touch it.)

Immediately after slipping the dress over my head, I realized why I shouldn't have bought it: it had a goddamn zipper. I blew through the first half of this metal-toothed obstacle no problem. This was easy! Maybe it won't be so bad? Then, about 3/4 of the way up, it happened; I was stuck. The zipper was dangling precariously in the middle of my shoulder blades, mocking my confidence. Then it became a yoga routine. After a solid 7 minutes of reaching, swearing, and sweating, I managed to grab hold, finish the job, and declare victory.

When I was done (and reapplied my deodorant), I started to think about what it means to live alone. Clearly, I needed to be more discriminate in my wardrobe choices. But there were other things I began to worry about. What if I fall in the shower and hit my head? What if I choke on the pizza I continuously shove into my face?? What if I see a mouse??? After the nightmarish visions of dying like an 80-year-old subsided, I decided to make a list of all the good things that come with living alone.

1. Don't Use Tupperware!
Once you're done cooking, stick leftovers in the refrigerator in the pot/pan they were cooked in. What's the point in getting another container dirty? See number 4...

2. Leave The Cap Off the Toothpaste & Don't Put Toilet Paper On the Roll!
Don't listen to Jewel; this is living!!

3. Don't Put Laundry Away!
OK, full disclosure: I didn't do this even when I was married. I can do a million loads of laundry, but I will never put it away. This also includes leaving my bras anywhere and everywhere I feel like in my apartment.

4. Don't Do Dishes!
I'm not even sure why I bothered to buy a dish set, really. With no dishwasher available, I opted for the environmental killer: the paper plate. Guess what? I don't care that a tree died for my sins. What I care about is spending the least amount of time standing in front of my sink washing dishes. So, save your breath. I'm not interested. Yes, I know it's bad for the Earth, but it's good for my sanity.

My little list made me feel so much better. It's not all bad! Sure, I may need to take aerobics to get myself dressed in certain outfits and possibly buy a medical alert device, but I'll be living (or dying) in comfort.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Read Source